Something from the Kitchen: Bacon and Chocolate Disaster

It turns out there is such a case as too much of a good thing. When I saw this recipe from a food blog, I thought it was the greatest concoction invented this side of the cooking world. I mean come on, dark chocolate AND bacon. How can you possibly go wrong with combining the two most awesome things in the universe?

So I went to the grocery store and bought my favorite brand of dark chocolate, a pack of linguine pasta, bacon, bread crumbs and parsley. As I was preparing the ingredients, it took every bit of self-control (and I don’t have a lot of it) to keep myself from devouring the entire chocolate bar but I managed to do it.

The instructions were simple and straightforward. Sauté the bacon and garlic. Add cayenne paper. Add the dark chocolate. Season with salt. Mix in the pasta. Garnish with parsley. I did all of that and got this.

Doesn’t look too bad, uhm, right?

It was described on the blog as “a dish with complex flavors and textures.” That’s one way of putting it. I took one bite and nearly gagged as my tongue was coated with a tar-like mixture of chocolate and pork fat. Sure, I could taste the “layers of flavor” (a phrase judges often use on Iron Chef America): the spiciness of cayenne pepper, the saltiness of bacon and the richness of the dark chocolate. But the combination of all that was just too much for my taste buds. I had to suck on a slice of lemon to get rid of the aftertaste. (Too bad there was no shot of tequila.)

Maybe I added too much pepper. Maybe I didn’t put enough salt. Maybe I had the wrong proportion of chocolate and bacon. Or maybe my taste buds weren’t sophisticated enough to appreciate “complex flavors” (which I’m starting to think is a euphemism for “tastes like shit”). Whatever. I was in no state to do a proper post-mortem. I was heartbroken, mourning the tragic loss of my dark chocolate and the terrible waste of half a pack of bacon.

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