This is How Résumés Should Be

Inspired by a genius piece of work and dared by kutchiara, I revised my résumé to include the awesome things I’m actually proud of in various stages of life so far. And also, I just couldn’t resist the opportunity for a gratuitous display of flagrant narcissism.

Age 3

Employment Experience

(None)

Accomplishment

  • Pooped in the living room and smeared my shit on the couch

Skills

  • Bawling every time my mother leaves for work
  • Driving the nanny crazy

Age 8

Employment Experience

Older brother’s minion

  • Watched spiders fight to the death
  • Learned all the cool swearwords

Accomplishments

  • Punched a boy and made him cry
  • Climbed over my elementary school’s nine-foot high concrete fence

Skills

Age 17

Education

1st year Journalism major in a big shot university

  • Goes to class sometimes without taking a bath**
  • Finishes a paper five minutes before deadline

Accomplishments

  • No longer lives with parents
  • Organized a sleepover on the dorm rooftop***
  • Watched all the free concerts and film screenings on campus

Skills

  • Staying awake for 36 hours straight
  • Expert knowledge in all brands and flavors of instant noodles and pancit canton
  • Wolfing down lunch in four minutes

Age 25

Employment Experience

Research Associate in an obscure company

  • Hoards Boy Bawang
  • Finds the best websites for procrastination
  • Pees a lot
  • Makes people think my work is harder than it actually is

Accomplishments

  • No longer asks parents for money
  • Knows how to say “I can’t speak French” in French
  • Knows the capital of Mauritania
  • Swigged half a bottle of tequila in one sitting and didn’t die

Skills

  • Drinking alcohol in large quantities
  • Expert knowledge in remedies for hangover
  • Spotting an offside violation in a football game
  • Doing laundry without a washing machine
  • Buying groceries without getting lost in the supermarket
  • Cooking as long as it only involves boiling and sautéing
  • Killing a cockroach as long as it’s moving slowly and not in flight

*My mother works in public health and we had boxes of expired surplus condoms at home.

**So as not to be late; you’ve got to admire the dedication!

***Which was locked and strictly off-limits, asked someone to steal the key.

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